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Actual Auto Insurance Statements
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.
Life Insurance Jokes
An actuary is one who, if you're drowning in a pond 20 feet offshore, will throw you an 11-foot
rope and point out that he's meeting you MORE than halfway.
After many years at sea a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he should collect on his workers compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming voice the pirate replied:
"me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she
swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me
leg."
Agent: "that is certainly work related. how did you loose your hand."
Pirate: "well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand."
Agent: "that’s also work related. how did you loose your eye?" in a booming voice the pirate replied:
"well matey, i was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!"
Agent: "what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"
Pirate: "it were the first day with me hook!"
What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a mafia actuary can name them.
An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump.
The underwriter says, "I'll bet you fifty bucks he doesn't jump." The actuary says, "I'll take the bet."
A few minutes later they see that the guy does indeed jump. As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news."
The underwriter responds, "So did I, but I just didn't think it would happen twice."
An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.
The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now,"he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy
Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained
consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was
waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be
just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We
do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay
here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
The Best Insurance Salesman Ever!!!
Morris walks into an
insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone," he was told.
"You can't afford not to hire me," Morris said. "I
can sell
anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to
sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them
two cheques, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman," Morris said.
"I can
sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company
requires
a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get
urine samples."
Morris was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to
close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in
each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt
pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on
the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr.
Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two
buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a
state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a
group policy!"
Life insurance agent to would-be
client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision.
Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call
then and let me know."
"You ought to feel highly
honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent,
"so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven
insurance agents."
"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm them."
An actuary, an underwriter, and an
insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his
foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and
the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to
go.
The barn at Larry and Susan's farm
burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn
insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Whoa there just a
minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain
the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of
comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd
like to cancel the policy on my husband."
THE TOP 12 RESULTS OF MICROSOFT'S
TAKEOVER OF HEALTHCARE.
12. The Department of Justice will
be all over them because basic health coverage also includes free
membership to a Microsoft Health Spa and Gym, and this is clearly
unfair competition to YMCA, World Gym, etc. Microsoft will still
offer the gym membership for free, but you have to fill out a
separate application form to get your membership card.
11. Occasionally, your body
will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have to reinstall the
heart to get it going.
10. If you get health
insurance as a newborn its much cheaper than if you try to get it
later on your own.
9. If you ever lose your
health coverage, you can just go "copy" someone else's
insurance card.
8. If you own another
hospital, and you don't want to sell out to Microsoft Managed
Health Care Inc, you can count on a Microsoft Hospital and Clinic
being built next door, with FREE COVERAGE to anyone who comes in.
7. You'll be charged
drastically overinflated prices for minor technical support at the
emergency room (well, **not everything** will really change).
6. You can search the web
site for your prognosis, and download your prescription, but to
talk to a live doctor, it will cost you $195 per visit, unless you
buy a ten-pack of incidents/year for $1695.
5. The doctor will gladly
receive medical records from other clinics/hospitals, but if you
ever go to an outside doctor, the records will get mangled in the
process, or MS Doctor notes will use non-industry standard terms
to describe symptoms.
4. Pharmacist 1.0 won't be
able to fill prescriptions written out by Dr. 2.5 or later.
3. Your health insurance
covers free office visits, but to actually see a doctor while you
are in the office will cost you an additional $35.
2. Scottish patients (Macs)
won't have as good coverage, but the doctors will just charge more
for what they do offer. And the number one result of
Microsoft's takeover of the healthcare system:
1. Lowered average time in
ICU, since all monitors and therapeutic equipment will be running
Windows 95. "I am sorry about your wife... it seems her
respirator had a general protection fault."
I called my insurance company and asked to speak to Bob, my agent.
The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
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